January 25, 2008, Newsletter Issue #66: Should You Try To Rebuild Trust After Lies

Tip of the Week

When trust is lost in a relationship, more often than not, that relationship is over. Why is it so hard to rebuild trust after infidelity, lying, hidden addictions and other secrets? The bonds of marriage are considered sacred. For some, hiding a few empty beer cans is a sign that someone is not trustworthy. For others, coming home late or money unaccounted for are signs of broken trust. It’s different for everyone depending on the state of the relationship.

When trust is lost, it takes a long time and hard work to rebuild and have it work long-term. The funny thing about losing trust is that it requires consistency. People are trustworthy in a relationship or they aren’t. If the spouse does and says everything with consistency, there will not be any deception. When you trust someone, you can predict how he or she reacts. This predictability comes with time. If you trust someone, you rely on his or her behavior. You count on them to be a rock for you. Every rock is significant because the rocks metaphorically build a foundation to a strong relationship.

After the bonds of trust are broken, decide if you can do the work to make the marriage whole again. Ask yourself some crucial questions. Do you want to become vulnerable enough to rely on this person to be your rock again? Can the crumbled rocks of the marriage be put back together even stronger? If you cannot answer yes, it may be time to end the relationship and get on with your life.

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