Rebuild Trust And Repair The Marital Bonds

It isn’t easy for people to trust again once infidelity has been discovered. Especially in marriage, a sacred bond may be easy to break but not so easy to repair. In order to rebuild trust, try looking at the problem through spiritual eyes.

- Forgiveness is necessary in order to trust the spouse again. Forgiving someone does not mean you are saying that infidelity is ok. However, without forgiveness, there will be no trust in the future.

- Honest communication must begin. An intimate conversation about the true reason behind the infidelity helps to rebuild the trust. There are many reasons why partners are unfaithful, this is a time to be honest with yourself and then be honest with your partner.

- Accept the spouse for who they are. During the time of rebuilding trust, it is not a time to beat the spouse over the head with attitude. Be open and let your spouse be vulnerable to who they really are.

- Rebuilding trust takes time. Don’t rush this process by setting deadlines. Show the spouse that you can trust them and commit yourself to a long-term process.

Partners have to want the marriage to work in order for trust to come back. When couples dig deep and do the work required to ‘fix’ the problems that compelled the partner to become unfaithful, real trust can come back.

Should You Try To Rebuild Trust After Lies

When trust is lost in a relationship, more often than not, that relationship is over. Why is it so hard to rebuild trust after infidelity, lying, hidden addictions and other secrets? The bonds of marriage are considered sacred. For some, hiding a few empty beer cans is a sign that someone is not trustworthy. For others, coming home late or money unaccounted for are signs of broken trust. It’s different for everyone depending on the state of the relationship.

When trust is lost, it takes a long time and hard work to rebuild and have it work long-term. The funny thing about losing trust is that it requires consistency. People are trustworthy in a relationship or they aren’t. If the spouse does and says everything with consistency, there will not be any deception. When you trust someone, you can predict how he or she reacts. This predictability comes with time. If you trust someone, you rely on his or her behavior. You count on them to be a rock for you. Every rock is significant because the rocks metaphorically build a foundation to a strong relationship.

After the bonds of trust are broken, decide if you can do the work to make the marriage whole again. Ask yourself some crucial questions. Do you want to become vulnerable enough to rely on this person to be your rock again? Can the crumbled rocks of the marriage be put back together even stronger? If you cannot answer yes, it may be time to end the relationship and get on with your life.

Get Honest With Yourself For A Healthy Relationship

People evaluate personality characteristics in potential partners before making commitments. This process of evaluation is how relationships grow and blossom. Is the person honest, trustworthy and respectful? Honesty and trust are two things that are required of most partners for a long term committed relationship or marriage.

Honesty isn’t just about speaking the truth to your partner. Honesty must begin with self-evaluation and being truly honest with yourself first. People become deceptive when fear enters the picture. Take the fear out of a relationship and trust your instincts regarding your partner. Ask yourself some key questions before committing to a relationship.

- What personality type do you react well with; Type A, laid back, etc.

- What makes you angry or frustrated?

- Are you able to be yourself around your partner? Have they seen you at your worst, sick or angry?

- Do you have realistic expectations about your relationship or are you living in a fantasy world?

- Is it easy to talk to your partner and do you feel a necessity and desire to be honest with them?

- Have you learned from prior relationship mistakes?

Evaluate the answers to these questions and be honest with yourself before making a commitment to someone else.

Rebuild Trust One Step At A Time

Being betrayed by your partner is one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship. If you want to save the partnership or marriage, it is necessary to rebuild trust and gain back respect. There are some things to keep in mind to help you in the rebuilding process.

- Make a decision. If you want to save the marriage, making the decision to trust again starts the healing process. Worrying and waffling about what to do just makes things worse.

- Face your feelings and let go of the anger. Write down your thoughts and get out all of your negative emotions on paper. If you wish, burn the paper and let it go up in smoke so it is released into the universe.

- Don’t forget to take care of yourself during these tough emotional times. Eat healthy, drink a lot of water, stay away from alcohol and exercise. Try to laugh as much as possible.

- Don’t be mistrustful of everyone. If someone has violated your trust, it doesn’t mean everyone will.

- Allow yourself to go through a grief process. Even if you work on saving the marriage, your relationship will not be the same. It could be better but not the same so it could feel like a death has occurred.

The biggest process in regaining trust is to trust yourself first. If you trust yourself, you will make the right decisions and be guided to do the right things to save the relationship.

Cues For Detecting Deception Or Anxiety

You don’t have to be a criminal to lie. Detecting deception is the main goal of law enforcement or security firms, but many ordinary people want to know if their partner is being deceptive in their relationship. According to David A. Gershaw, Ph.D. “Even trained observers do not do much better than chance in detecting deception.”

If one of the partners in a relationship fear the other partner is not being faithful in their relationship, loud bells and whistles usually go off in their head. Intuition plays a large part in detecting truth or deception about people. Stories or stated facts do not seem to ring true. Partners aren’t where they said they would be or they are acting differently than they usually do. A partner may be evasive when answering questions or they may not look people in the eye. These cues are examples of people being deceptive and isn’t hard to pick up on these things.

Caution should be taken when confronting a partner about infidelity, cheating or lying. The subtle clues of deception could also just indicate anxiety and may have nothing to do with infidelity or lying. Try not to accuse your partner of being deceptive before the facts are known.

Keeping Secrets In A Relationship

Is a relationship in trouble if partners are keeping secrets from each other? Maybe or maybe not. Secrets in a relationship may be a good thing. There are certain things that really are no one’s business, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship. When the couple decides to make a commitment of marriage or even living together, there should be fewer secrets, not more. If you have doubts or concerns about the faithfulness of a partner, keeping information to yourself might keep your partner honest. Some examples of information to keep secret are:

- How many people you have slept with. The number really doesn’t matter, remaining faithful in the relationship does matter.

- Income level. It isn’t anyone’s business how much money you make, especially in the beginning. The commitment rule applies here.

- Experiences at strip clubs, one-night stands, and things you aren’t very proud of. You don’t have to bear your soul and confess every indiscretion or embarrassing moment to your partner.

- If friends ask that you keep their secrets, don’t tell your partner the secret. You are under no obligation to divulge everything to the partner. Be loyal to the friend and keep their secret.

Mature adults in their 40’s and 50’s have many life experiences and probably have more secrets than someone has in their 20’s. Tell your partner the secrets you believe will strengthen the relationship and keep the others to yourself.

Honesty in a Relationship Begins with Integrity

Building a strong healthy relationship between two people takes work, but it also takes honesty. When trust is gone because of lies and deception, the relationship is probably over. If trust and honesty are so important in maintaining a strong relationship, what does it take to stay honest?

1. Integrity and self-esteem become the grounding factor to honesty in a relationship. If a person does not have integrity, lies are too easy to tell. Small lies can turn into big ones and soon the trust is permanently broken.
2. Use your instincts. Your inner voice knows if someone is lying to you or not. If something your partner is saying to you doesn’t ring true, dig deeper. Always listen to your gut instinct.
3. Build an air of honesty from the beginning. Telling the truth enough becomes a habit and there is nothing to fear when the truth comes out.
4. Listen carefully to each other. Do not read things into a story that is not true. Slow down, don’t assume the worst and let the full truth be told. LISTEN to your partner without speaking.

It’s true what they say “The Truth Shall Set You Free”. Honesty is always the best road to take in a relationship, no matter how much the truth hurts.

Compulsive Lying Stems From Fear

Infidelity is usually kept secret from partners. Many people will go out of their way to keep the partner from finding out about an affair so a habit of lying occurs in the relationship. Habitual lying is also compulsive lying. It is easier for most people to lie concerning the who, what, where and when instead of facing the music with the truth.

Fear causes people to lie. In the case of infidelity, they are afraid of losing the relationship or of judgment by their peers. The offending partner lies to the spouse, children, boss and friends. They are afraid to stop lying because they generally will feel bad when the truth comes out. Generally, one lie turns into many and the habit begins.

Since lying compulsively is a habit, breaking this habit is possible through hypnosis. This is not unlike hypnotherapy to stop smoking or gambling. If there is no therapist in your area, self-hypnosis techniques require several sessions and can achieve lasting results. However, if the lying is a result of infidelity, it will not stop unless the partner ends the affair. If there is no affair, the reason behind the lying has ended too.

The Signals Of Lying

There is an art to lying. People who are compulsive liars can be good at it with their words, gestures and signals. If you are concerned about whether your partner is lying to you watch and listen to what they are saying and how they say it.

- Do gestures match what is said? Does someone say “I love you” and then frown or look away at the same time?

- A lying person gets defensive quickly. A liar is uncomfortable facing questions and may turn their head.

- Lying people usually don’t use contractions in the lying statement. For example “Did you go to the strip club with your friends?” The lying answer could be “No I did not go to the strip club with my friends.” The answer does not include a contraction ‘didn’t’ and they are repeating back the question exactly.

- Lying people are uncomfortable with silence. They feel the need to fill the quiet with made up details. This is a sign of too much information.

Another tip for catching your partner in a lie is to ask them to repeat back the entire story from the end to the beginning. If people are lying, they have only memorized the story from beginning to end and can’t repeat the same story from other way.

Watch The Signs To Catch A Liar

It does not necessarily take a liar to know one. There are ways to catch a liar in the act of lying or deception by watching body language and paying attention to personality changes. According to Paul Ekman , “A liar may betray himself through linguistic mistakes, but the main sources of betrayal are the emotions. Emotion reveals itself, sometimes in contradictory ways, in the voice, body and face.” If you are trying to detect infidelity and catch your partner in a lie, see if there are deviations in how your partner is acting around you. For personality traits, if they are usually quite talkative and are now very quiet, this could be a telltale sign of lying or at least hiding something. Is your partner looking you in the eye or do they look away? A general rule of thumb is for a liar to be nervous and may even perspire.

Repairing the Damage After Infidelity

The time following the disclosure of infidelity is a delicate one, and both partners in a relationship may be feeling bruised and uncertain. You may feel concerned about future cheating, and want to implement an infidelity test or emotional boundaries. Some ideas for easing the pressure:

-- The partner who was cheated on may want to go over things again and again, asking for the smallest details of the other woman's or man's appearance, what happened between them, etc. The cheating partner should be patient with this -- it's part of a process of trying to understand what went wrong -- but should also focus on the feelings involved.

-- The partner who cheated should make an extra effort to be truthful and dependable in the smallest things. If you say you'll pick up the dry cleaning, do it.

-- Plan some extra time alone together and try to spend it having positive experiences.

When infidelity comes to light, the parter who was cheated on will likely perform an infidelity test in one form or another. It is important that both partners express appreciation for one another's efforts during this time.

Use An Infidelity Test For Proof

Infidelity is happening in record numbers. Many people feel like the only recourse to discovering the truth and proving deception is checking out options such as the infidelity test. According to the International Detective Store Vice President, Bob Leonard, “A lot of men are coming in here to buy it – women too.” The test uses a drop of a chemical onto the spot in question. Generally, the bed, or undergarments are checked for suspicious substances. If the test comes back positive, it is up to you how to react.

Emotional Honesty

Can you talk with your partner about how you feel? If you're angry or sad, do you feel like you have to hide that from your partner? One of the hallmarks of lasting relationships is the ability to talk about emotions, and be honest even when you're uncomfortable.
The first step is acknowledging your real emotions to yourself. It's very common for people to channel uncomfortable emotions into "safe" paths -- blowing up at home because they're worried about work, or getting anxious and jealous over nothing because of old insecurities from a dysfunctional upbringing.

Develop the skill of describing your feelings in words. "I'm frustrated because of the traffic," "I'm happy because I got a raise," etc. This is about feelings, not thoughts. You might have a thought about why the traffic is backed up, but your feeling comes from inside you. Feelings aren't good or bad in themselves -- they just are.

The next step is to reach for these words in discussions with your partner.

Say you´re sorry

It´s not always easy to do. Very few things that are worthwhile ARE easy. However, if you´ve betrayed someone´s trust, think about what you´ve done. Explain to your partner that you are truly sorry for that betrayal.

The shattering of trust is perhaps the most brutal thing you can do to another person. Admitting your remorse is a step towards starting to repair the damage. You´ll probably have to do it a few times before your partner starts to believe you, but saving the relationship will be well worth it. And in the end, you two will be much stronger because of it.

If You Get Caught Lying

Your partner has caught you lying, and it's a big one. Maybe you've tried to defend yourself, or tried to pretend it wasn't a big deal. It's time to make some major decisions -- the kind of decisions you've probably been putting off.

Maybe this is it, it's over. If this isn't the first time, you may need to work on a pattern of compulsive lying. Yet depending on what you still have in common -- children, for example -- it may still be worth working to rebuild a degree of trust. Let's say that you really don't want this relationship to end, and that your partner is willing to give you a second chance.

Of course, you need to apologize. Do it as many times as you need to -- not just for lying, but for the hurt and pain you caused your partner.

Beyond that, though, you need to understand what caused the problem in the first place. Honesty begins with yourself. Were you dealing with feelings you didn't think your partner could handle? Were you overstressed or underappreciated? Were you just looking for some excitement?

Managing Anger in Your Relationship

When cheating and lying become part of a relationship, anger is almost surely present as well. It's important to recognize that the anger may have been there well before the infidelity. Maybe she was angry because of his lack of attention. Maybe he was channeling anger at his boss or his mother.

Anger in itself is not good or bad. It's just a signal, like a red light. It means "something is wrong." You have the opportunity to choose how you respond to that signal, and what you do with the energy it generates. Controlling anger -- channeling its energy productively -- is not the same thing as denying it exists.

Don't be afraid to ask for a break in a discussion with your partner if you're overwhelmed with anger or another emotion. If you are angry enough to hurt yourself or someone else physically, get away from the situation and get help now.

If it's not that bad yet, try to find a productive outlet -- maybe something physical, like exercising or housecleaning. Don't drop the discussion, though. Set up a time to talk further.

Rebuilding Trust in The Relationship

Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a two-way street, requiring almost superhuman effort. Some couples can't manage it, and ultimately go their separate ways. Even if you don't stay together, the work put into giving your relationship its best chance to recover is work that can help you avoid repeating bad patterns.
Start by keeping your promises to one another. If you say you'll be there at 7, don't think 7:15 is OK. If you promise not to bring up the cheating in front of his friends, don't do it.

You may well be feeling vulnerable now. Use this time to build genuine self-esteem by choosing a more fulfilling, interesting life. Spend your free time with people who bring out the best in you.